Pete: Daisy?....is anything the matter?
Daisy (coming out of her reverie): What's that? Oh, hello Pete! No...nothing's the matter really, I'm just...thinking.
Pete: About what?
Daisy: Oh, about the latest memo from the boss, THAT's what! (She sweeps the paper off her desk in irritation.) You know, Pete, I just don't get this guy at all! He never comes to the studio personally; at least, I've never seen him here. He never socializes, doesn't respond to our invitations to the monthly meetings, and other functions, even though I always send 'em in the newsletters, along with the minutes, and employee "issues"....He always thanks me politely for keeping him informed, and then goes on to talk about our 'mission' statement, goals and priorities, and his comments on the interviews... (She breaks off abruptly.)
Pete: Speaking of which, what did he say about the last one, with...with Wally Higgins?
Daisy (flushing with embarrassment) I'd rather not talk about it Pete. Let's just say that...he wasn't exactly pleased with the results.
Pete: I'll BET he wasn't! We got a lot of emails and phone calls from the audience; people were upset because Mr. Higgins got his feelings hurt again! You know how the boss is about self-discipline and maintaining the highest professional standards on the...
Daisy (interrupting with uncharacteristic vehemence): He can kiss my grits!
Pete (shocked): Daisy!!!!
Daisy: Well, I MEAN it, Pete! I'm getting mighty tired of his memos and third-party feedback; he should fire his assistant--she doesn't do anything he couldn't or shouldn't be doing anyway--and step down from his ivory tower to mingle with us commoners once in a while! Oooooooh!!! Sometimes I'd just like to grab him and give him a darn good shaking!
Pete: Now Daisy...calm down; don't do anything hasty, okay? I know...it can be frustrating dealing with him this way, but...he's the one that's running the show, and it's on HIS terms; you knew that when you signed on to do this. Besides...I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but...a little more self-discipline might not hurt. You're a great interviewer, Daisy, really; you can get people to talk like nobody else I've ever seen, but...
Daisy: But what? (No answer.) But WHAT, Pete? Tell me what you want to say; I won't get upset, I promise. (She's smiling encouragingly.)
Pete: Well...it's just that...you CAN be a little...uh..."volatile" at times, that's all.
Daisy: Volatile? Volatile?? Who says I'm volatile?! I'M NOT VOLATILE!!! (A pause.) Well...maybe just a little bit, but...I'd like to see you, or better yet, "Him" put his neck on the line out there each week with our guests! (She is suddenly struck by something.) As a matter of fact, that's not a bad idea...you know, Pete, I think I've found a way to get the "Invisible Man" to materialize here in the studio!
Pete (nervously): Ah....I don't think that's such a good idea, Daisy.
Daisy: How do you know? Do you know what my plan is?
Pete: Well, no, but...
Daisy: Now Peter, I PROMISE, I know exactly what I'm doing! Have I ever been wrong before? (A pause.) Don't answer that! There's nothing to worry about, Peter, everything's just fine. Has our guest arrived yet?
Pete (resignedly): Yes, Daisy. I heard him over at the refreshment table, complaining about something from the caterers.
Daisy: Really? I wonder what that's all about....I hope they didn't make a mistake, I went over the menu with them twice on the phone... (Sighing.) I don't have time to address the issue right now; I need to get ready to address our guest on the show!
Pete (trying to be playful): Blue Cheese or Thousand Island?
Daisy (taken aback): Uh...I'm not sure what you mean.
Pete (beginning to fumble): Well, he's a chef, you know? Addressing the chef? Salad dressing? (A pause. Then, feebly...) It's a joke, get it?
Daisy: Unfortunately, yes. Pete, you're a great guy, and I love you to pieces, but...your jokes are kind of stale. No offense now, mind? Alright, I'd better be on my way. I'll talk to you after the show, okay? (She is smiling sweetly on her way out.)
Pete (staring after her): My jokes are stale?? Trudy Fisk liked my jokes in the 5th grade. And she always laughed when I did my imitation of a salmon...
(On the air...)
Daisy: Good morning, mesdames et messieurs! Thank you for joining us again on this beautiful spring day! Our guest in the studio today is known throughout the Maritimes and Quebec as one of the foremost authorities of haute and provincial cuisine, and has a pork loin recipe named in his honor on the menu of the White Sands Hotel! Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Chef Pierre LaPierre! Chef Pierre, bienvenue1 à notre studio!
CP: Merci, Mademoiselle Daisy. I 'ave something very important to tell you. The haricots verts2 on your luncheon menu are NOT fresh! I 'ope you 'ave something of 'igher quality to replace them with; c'est une chose très grave3!
Daisy (somewhat flustered): Of course, Chef Pierre....I'll take care of it immediately following the interview.
CP: Why you wait? You take care of it now, Mademoiselle, before the produce wilts and lose its flavour. Haute cuisine does not tolerate mediocrity, and neither does Chef Pierre!
Daisy (with dignity): Certainly. (She rings a little silver bell on a side-table next to her.) Peter! Oh, Peter!!
(Peter enters, a bit confused.)
Pete: What is it, Daisy? You're in the middle of an interview, you know.
Daisy (haughtily): Please remove the vegetable tray from the refreshment table and procure a fresh set from the grocer's down the street.
Pete: But Daisy! You said yourself that everything on the menu was the best that was...
Daisy: Peter!! Please respect the wishes of our guest, and see that it's taken care of. Immediately!! That's all, you're dismissed.
Pete (whispering indignantly): Since when did you become Miss High and Mighty?
Daisy: Shush! (Peter leaves, not a little put out. Several beats.) Now then, Chef Pierre, would you mind telling us, please, where and when you first met Gus Pike?
CP: In the kitchen, naturellement. 'E turned my beautiful souffle into...an upside-down cake! Ma foi4! That Monsieur Pike 'ad no education in the finer culinary arts! And clumsy! Always underfoot when you didn't want 'im, and never to be found when you DID want 'im!
Daisy: I suppose that was true, in the beginning, of course. But he DID try so very hard to be a proper gentleman, Chef Pierre.
CP: "Ah yes, pour elle. For Felicity. Zut! I 'ave never seen such a...what you say? L'Enfant Terrible! She walk into my kitchen like she own it! She tell me to teach 'er all about haute cuisine! IN ONE DAY!! Sacre bleu! She 'ave the nerve of steel, eh?
Daisy: Yes, I've often been amazed at her audacity, especially when she lied to Kingsport Ladies' College, lied to her family and friends, lied to half of Avonlea, and worst of all, lied to and insulted poor Gus! He was so happy to see her when she came back from Kingsport, and she treated him with such utter contempt! Oh, Chef Pierre, mais ça c'est vraiment de trop5!
CP: Ah, but that Felicity, she return très humblement to 'im afterward, you remember, Mademoiselle Daisy? L'insoucience de la jeunesse6, c'est une follie...a youthful folly, non? Besides, I 'ave it on good authority that the cuisine at Kingsport Ladies' College is abominable! Pas de haute cuisine la bas7! There are not many people, Mademoiselle Daisy, who know 'ow to appreciate haute cuisine. Not everyone 'ave an educated palate, like Monsieur Felix!
Daisy: Well, as it happens, Chef Pierre, my own palate has been educated with some of the best cuisine in Europe! (With familial pride...) My uncle Wilfrid owns a restaurant in Vienna, one of the finest! He and my aunt took me to dinner often when I came to visit them, and our meals were often intertwined with some of the highest forms of cultural art as well. The Vienna State Opera, the Museum of Art History, the Prater, the Schonbrunn Palace, the...
CP (interrupting disdainfully): German food, Mademoiselle Daisy? You think that German food is haute cuisine?? Ma chère mademoiselle, there is only ONE standard of haute cuisine, le Français, ou bien, le Quebecois. There is no other alternative!
Daisy (beginning to get her dander up): Now, just a moment, Chef Pierre. It isn't "German" food; it's Viennese food, and Viennese food is an amalgam of the best culinary ingredients from the old Habsburg Empire: Hungarian, Czech, Roumanian, Slovakian, Northern Italian, German, Ukrainian, and even some French as well! The desserts are not to be imagined...sans pareil8! And having tasted the haute cuisine of France as well, I'd have to say that in many cases, the Viennese cooking is le meilleur! Granted, I haven't much experience with the Quebecois, except for poutine, which isn't terribly impressive, I must say. It congeals in your stomach like a lump of lead if it hasn't been digested properly...
CP (swelling up towards Daisy like a bantam rooster): Tonnère!! Vous m'insultez comme ça??!!9 You think you know more than Chef Pierre about haute cuisine??!!! Quelle outrage!! Va t'en! Va t'en!!!!10
Daisy (springing from her chair with alacrity, and backing towards the door): Now, Chef Pierre! Oh dear...please, calmez-vous! I only meant to say that...
CP (apopleptic with rage): I know what you mean!! You mean that you know better than Chef Pierre, you and your cuisine des Boches11!! Non, c'est finis!! Allez, sortez!!! SORTEZ!! GO!!! VITE, VITE!!!!
(He chases Daisy out the door, who exits with a squeak of protest. a lengthy pause, then...)
Daisy (poking her head in): Er.....Chef Pierre?
CP (much calmer): Eh bien? What is it you want now, Mademoiselle Daisy?
Daisy (advancing cautiously): Well, you see, this IS my studio room, and my interview program, and it's generally I who extend the invitations to stay, or leave, as the case may be. Still, I'm willing to let bygones be bygones, for the sake of ending the interview amicably. I apologize for any intimations I may have made that have caused offence, and I submit to your superior knowledge and expertise regarding haute cuisine. (smiling hopefully) Apology accepted?
CP (regarding her for a moment): Oui! When you smile like that, si charmante, mademoiselle, it is with great pleasure! By all means, let us continue; please, asseyez-vous! Sit down.
Daisy (carefully): Thank you, Chef Pierre. There IS...one last thing I was wondering about. You no doubt are aware that Sara Stanley was teaching Gus about good manners. Did you ever teach Gus anything about that yourself?
CP: Oui! As a matter of fact, I remember it now! 'E asked me if I could teach 'im 'ow to...what you call it? Pay court to a lady in French. French is, after all, la plus belle langue; a real gentleman knows how to compliment a lady in the language of love.
Daisy: Oh really? Well now you have me curious, Chef Pierre, and our listeners as well, I daresay! Would you mind telling us how the lesson went?
CP (smirking): Ah..le devoir12. Well, mademoiselle, that Gus Pike may be 'andy with a fishing net, but 'e is not quite so 'andy when it comes to the French vocabulary!
Daisy: I see...well, actually; no, I don't quite see what you mean, Chef Pierre. Do you think you could be a bit more specific? You know...par example...
CP (beginning to chuckle): Eh bien, Monsieur Pike, 'e try to tell an imaginary lady that 'er eyes sparkle like sapphires, 'er 'air is like a cloud of fire, 'er sighs are like a spring zephyr, and 'er smile is a gift from 'eaven! Mais, quel imbecile!! Instead, 'e tell 'er that 'er eyes are crossed, 'er 'air is on fire, she 'ave bad breath, and 'er smile give 'im the indigestion!! So much for your fine gentleman, eh?
Daisy (giggling in spite of herself): Oh...poor Gus! No, I don't suppose any lady would welcome such...such dubious compliments! Still, one must give him the credit for trying; when all is said and done, he IS a a real gentleman after all, is he not, Chef Pierre?
CP: Oui, un vrai homme! Not a fancy gentleman, you understand, but...un vrai homme.
Daisy: And with that word of compliment, I'm afraid we must bring our interview to an end. Our guest today has been the knowledgeable and inimitable Chef Pierre. Chef Pierre, thank you for a very interesting interview, with a few anxious moments!
CP: Ah, Mademoiselle Daisy, le plaisir, the pleasure, is mine. You are not too bad, you know, when it comes to discerning the finer things in life. Soyez bien sage, mademoiselle13; per'aps someday you, too, will receive a diamond in the rough. (He kisses Daisy's hand.)
Daisy (blushing a rosy pink): Why, thank you Chef Pierre! Merci du compliment! Next week, ladies and gentlemen, we return to the studio with a guest who is a bit...closer to home. Thank you for joining us once again, and for your continuing support. See you next time!
END OF INTERVIEW.
(Several hours later...)
Daisy: Pete!! Peter, wait a minute! I need to talk to you!
Pete (pushing the button for the elevator door): I think you've said enough already.
Daisy: Not quite!
(Daisy slips into the elevator just before the door closes.)
Pete (sighing): What is it now? Did I screw up the parfait? Did I serve the wrong hors d'œuvres? Did I bring you "this" when you wanted "that"??
Daisy (crestfallen): Gosh, Peter....I didn't realize you were that upset.
Pete: How do you expect me to feel? You're always so nice and friendly with everyone, and then all of a sudden you're playing the grande dame, putting me down on the air like that!
Daisy (shame-faced): Say...Peter...I, ah...I want to apologize for that. I know it was wrong; I guess I was just...under a lot of pressure, you know? Chef Pierre has such a formidable reputation; I did all my homework ahead of time, made sure we had everything in place, and then right at the very beginning he pointed out a mistake to me. I guess I got kind of...defensive, you know? Wanting to make a good impression, wanting to prove I knew just as much about haute cuisine and fine dining as any civilized person...I suppose I lost sight of what was most important. (She extends her hand.) Friends?
(A pause, then...)
Pete (smiling shyly): Sure...friends!
(They shake hands.)
Daisy (beaming happily): Good! Now that that's settled, I'd like to ask you something else.
Pete: Daisy, you have that look in your eyes again. I don't like that look!
Daisy: Nonsense! It's such a simple thing, really...uh-oh, the elevator door is opening.
Pete (relieved): Well, guess we'll just have to wait for your idea, won't we?
Daisy (determined): No, we won't.
(Daisy presses the elevator button again.)
Pete: Daisy!! What are you doing?
Daisy: We HAVE to talk where nobody else can hear us! Now please, PLEASE listen to me! I'm coming back here tonight to look through some files; I'll need to save some information on a disk, and I need somebody with me to keep an eye out while I'm working.
Pete: Files? What files? Daisy....does this have anything to do with the boss?
Daisy: Him? No! Why.....what makes you say that?
Pete: Because you're looking away from me and twisting your hair; you always do that when you're lying.
Daisy: Oh...alright!! Yes, it has to do with him. I have a suspicion about why he's so reclusive, and anxious to avoid the rest of us. I've GOT to have some uninterrupted time to go through the archived files that are on the hard drive...will you PLEASE come with me and help me out?
Pete: I thought you said something once about not poking through other people's closets when they're not around.
Daisy: I know, I know. But...this is different. Something isn't right. I can't put my finger on it, but...something just isn't right. I have to find out what it is....I just can't sit through the rest of my contract sending memo after flipping memo every week, wasting time in useless theorizing and speculation!! No, Peter...I intend to get to the bottom line.
(The elevator door opens again.)
Pete (solemnly): What if I refuse?
Daisy (resolutely): Then I'll do it alone, if I have to. I'm not giving up.
Pete: And neither am I!!!
(Peter and Daisy turn to see a querulous client waiting for the elevator.)
QC: You two have been up and down all three floors twice now!! Are you going to stay in that elevator all day, or are you going to let another passenger get a foot in edgewise??!!
Daisy: Sorry! Terribly sorry! You can have the elevator; we're done now! (to Peter) I'll see you back here at 9:00 tonight.....bring your flashlight!
* * * * *
Editor's Notes...
1 bienvenue = welcome
2 haricots verts = green beans
3 c'est une chose très grave = That's a very bad thing!
4 ma foi! = The literal translation of this is "my faith!"; but I believe Daisy probably meant to use "mon dieu!", which translates to "My god!"
5 mais ça c'est vraiment de trop = But that is too true.
6 L'insoucience de la jeunesse = the innocence of youth
7 Pas de haute cuisine la bas = Not high-class cooking; it's low class.
8 sans pareil = unparalleled
9 Tonnère!! Vous m'insultez comme ça??!! = Enough! You insult me like that?
10 Va t'en = Enough!
11 cuisine des Boches = Boches cooking
12 le devoir = duty
13 Soyez bien sage, mademoiselle = You are quite wise, miss
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