Pete: Happy Valentine's Day, Daisy!
Daisy: Happy Valentine's Day to you too, Pete! Say...you wouldn't happen to know anything about this, would you?
Pete: About what?
Daisy (thrusting the box towards him): These chocolates, and the card on my desk. It's from a..."secret admirer". I refuse to entertain such romantic nonsense, especially when it comes from an unknown, and possibly suspect, source. Was it you??
Pete (awkwardly): Uh...no, Daisy. I...I wish I'd thought of it myself, but...no. I already know how you feel anyway.
Daisy: Well then, WHO??? I've had enough Valentine's Day shenanigans from my friends already! Somebody entered my profile in one of those online singles dating sites; UGH!!! (She shudders involuntarily.) Have you SEEN some of those profiles?
Pete: Yes, I have. (He flushes a bit.) I'm listed in there myself, you know.
Daisy: Oh. (An awkward pause. Then, hastily...) Well, I don't mean YOU, of course; you're alright, Pete! But I tell you, there are some strange people out there! One man kept e-mailing me, wanting me to add a picture and tell him a little something about myself. It took a while for me to figure out how to remove my profile, and in the meantime, the messages kept piling up. Finally, I relented. Alright, I said, I'll tell you "a little something." I'm six-foot-four, ugly as sin, and meaner than a coot." (She flashes a crafty smile.) You know Pete, I haven't heard back from him since...
Pete (shaking his head): Daisy, you're terrible.
Daisy (teasingly): I know, but so are most men. It's only fair to even the score a little bit; besides, it's a risk someone takes if he's fool enough to contact me without my permission. Now, I'd better get ready for our guest; it should be an exceptionally congenial interview, as he's so jovial and friendly! I saw him earlier, chatting up security, and trying to sell them on some new "comfort footwear"; nope, this is one interview I've no concerns about whatsoever...
(Daisy leaves the staff room humming cheerily.)
Pete (bemused): One of these days, she's going to meet her match, and she won't be able to wrangle her way out of it...
(In the studio...)
Daisy: Good morning, everyone! I'm so glad you've joined us this morning for our special Valentine's Day intervew! Our guest today in the studio is Mr. Wally Higgins, from the windy city of Chicago. Mr. Higgins, welcome!
WH (heartily): Thank you muchly, little lady! It's a pleasure to be here in the midst of such fine company. You have a very cozy and comfortable room here; it practically invites a feller to come in and rest for a spell!
Daisy (beaming with pleasure): Why thank you, Mr. Higgins! I'll pass the compliment along to our staff; we all work together in designing and decorating the the place. Now, Mr. Higgins, with your permission, I'd like to turn the discussion towards the topic at hand.
WH: Okalie-dokalie!
Daisy (momentarily nonplussed): Well...alright then! Mr. Higgins, when you first arrived in Avonlea, you had a rather precipitate introduction to Gus Pike, did you not?
WH (scratching his head): Gus Pike....Gus Pike....AH!!! Now I remember! He was sledding down that hill with some of the other young folk; a fine, upstanding lad, as I recall. Upstanding, upstanding! A good thing he was an upstanding gentleman, because I certainly wasn't! (Beginning to chuckle...) Face down in the snow; lost m'specs!! Remember? Upstanding! Upstanding! (He roars merrily.)
Daisy: Yes, Mr. Higgins. I...get the joke. So, Gus and the others helped you to your feet, and led you along the right path.
WH: Yes, and the ONLY path, it was, into the lovely little burg of Avonlea! A path that led me straight to Hetty King... (Breaking off to reminisce.) Ah...now THERE was one of the finest little ladies I've ever known. To this day, I still remember those dainty tootsie-wootsies. (He heaves a great sigh.) My oh my; I'd have given just about anything to dipsy-doodle down the aisle with that wonderful woman!
Daisy: Well, Mr. Higgins, I...sympathize with your predicament; we ALL do, you know, but...it seems that Miss King's "tootsie-wootsies" weren't meant to wander down that particular aisle.
WH: Yes, yes, I know. Duty first! That was always her way, I suppose. (Wistfully...) Still....one can't help but wonder sometimes what might have been.
Daisy: I'm sure that's so, but....I've found, Mr. Higgins, that the past isn't always the most...progressive place in which to dwell. Let's move on, shall we? Did you, by any chance, approach Gus with the notion of selling him some skates, seeing as he didn't have any?
WH: Why...no, Miss Daisy-dimples, I didn't! Didn't see too much of the lad after we parted in front of the store; he seemed to make himself pretty scarce while I was there!
Daisy: Yes, I suppose he would, not knowing how to skate, and being too proud to admit to it! Oh...by the way, Mr. Higgins?
WH: "Yes m'dear?"
Daisy (shifting somewhat uncomfortably): You see, I've no objection to you calling me Daisy, if you like, but..."Daisy-dimples" is just a bit too...too...
WH: Silly, isn't it? Too silly; I'll bet that's what you were going to say. I know...Wally Higgins talks silly talk; just can't seem to help it, I enjoy myself too much! Sometimes it comes at a cost, like losing Hetty King...
Daisy: Oh no, REALLY, Mr. Higgins! It wasn't that...I mean...oh dear! Ah...Gus! let's talk about Gus, and how Felicity pressured him to take her to the skating party.
WH (pounding his hand on his knee): Confusing!!
Daisy: I beg your pardon? Mr. Higgins, I'm afraid I don't follow...
WH: Confusing! That's what women are, not even excepting your own sweet little self, Miss Daisy-dimp...so sorry! Miss Daisy. Every lovely daughter of Eve is a mystery to man; it's no wonder Gus couldn't talk to her about it!
Daisy: "Talk to whom? About what??"
WH: Why to Felicity, about the skating party, of course! Had the little lady not been so dead set on riding rough-shod over the lad, she might've seen his discomfort, and used some of that dainty-wainty feminine intuition to coax it out of him!
Daisy: Er...you DO have a point, Mr. Higgins, I think; I just...can't quite make out what it is. So, Gus sits in front of the lighthouse, alone, brooding over the fact that he has no skates, and too stubborn to learn what to do with them. Seems to me, Mr. Higgins, that men are every BIT as enigmatic as women; some of 'em even MORE so!
WH (chortling): Ah, now, Miss Daisy Dim....Miss Daisy! Wally Higgins knows better than to engage a sweetie-tweetie member of the fair sex in an argument! Call it a draw?
Daisy (aside): Did he REALLY say what I think he said??!! (To Wally Higgins) Agreed, Mr. Higgins! Now, may I draw your attention back to Avonlea, and the skating party?
WH (groaning): Oh my stars! The worst day of my entire life! When Hetty King turned me down, I thought my world had come to an end! That remarkable female with the tootsies of a queen! The fondest dream of every podiatrist! The perfect foot, PERFECT!! Quad-A!! Have you ANY idea, Miss Daisy, how rare a find that is?? Feet like that come along maybe once in a blue moon, once in a lifetime! No, fate doesn't allow; I missed my one chance at happiness! I'll never find a Quad-A again, and I've been everywhere!
Daisy (swinging her own foot unconsciously back and forth): Oh, now, Mr. Higgins! Don't take it so hard; you mustn't! Now...let's think about something positive. Weren't you impressed that a woman of Hetty King's age was able to lower herself to the ice in a perfect pair of splits? I think she must've been a gymnast, or dancer, because it's so very difficult to remain that limber when you reach a certain...Mr. Higgins? What's the matter? You're staring at my foot. Mr. Higgins...Mr. Higgins??!!
WH (muttering, dumbfounded, to himself): I don't believe it!! It must be; I'm never wrong! That arch, that...tiny, oh-so-delicate...tiny, TINY little... (He is suddenly rummaging feverishly through the large satchel at his feet.) I'd stake my life on it! Now....confound it!! Where are they?
Daisy (uncertain): Mr. Higgins? Ah....what are you doing?
WH (deliriously): Skates! Skates!! I know they're here somewhere!
Daisy (anxious to regain the interview): Skates, yes! Mr. Higgins, I'm glad you mentioned them. Speaking of skates, those who live in cold weather climates year round must know how to negotiate the ice on 'em! You can't tell me that a boy who grew up in Kirkland Lake doesn't know how to skate, which must mean that all of his sliding and stumbling around on the pond was actually clever maneuvering on his part, to make it appear that Gus wasn't able to...MR. HIGGINS!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING??!! LET GO OF MY FOOT IMMEDIATELY!!!!
WH (rapturously): Oh my dear Miss Daisy!!! Forgive me, it's unavoidable!! Cruel fate, which deprived me previously of the opportunity, has once again given me the deli-welicacy of the perfect tootsie-wootsies, and THIS time, I'm NOT letting go! (He roars his approval.) Your feet were meant for these skates; oh joyous hour! Miss Daisy, allow me to seize the moment!
(Wally is beginning to remove her shoe.)
Daisy (trying ineffectually to push him away): Mr. Higgins, PLEASE!! I know how disappointed you were before, and I'm...pleased, REALLY I am, that my feet are...perfect! You may seize any moment you wish, Mr. Higgins, but you may NOT seize my foot, now L-E-T G-O!!!
WH (beaming blissfully): Ah now, Miss Daisy dumpling, it's fate! You can no more deny your destiny than a man deny his own soul! It's a "sole" match made in heaven!!
Daisy (grimly): Or Halifax! Mr. Higgins, PLEASE! We hardly know each other!
WH (firmly): Doesn't matter. When it's the real thing, you know!
Daisy (becoming alarmed): Now Mr. Higgins, be reasonable!! There's also a considerable age difference!
WH (jovially): You know what they say, Miss Daisy: "May-December, an affair to remember!"
Daisy (panic-stricken): But....but....Mr. Higgins, I'm...I'm a...a...divorcee!
WH (unperturbed): I forgive you!
Daisy (in despair): I HAVE THREE CHILDREN!!!
(A pause, then...)
WH: Say hello to Daddy!
Daisy: PETER!! PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETERRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!
(Peter comes running into the room.)
Pete: Daisy!! What's the matter? What's going on in here??
Daisy (grabbing him, whispering fiercely): Stand here next to me and do EXACTLY as I tell you! (to Mr. Higgins) Mr. Higgins...I'm so sorry to say this...but...I simply can't marry you; you see, Peter and I... (She begins nudging Pete.)
Pete: Huh? OH!! Uh....Peter and I...
Daisy (to Pete): No! You dolt!! (To Mr. Higgins) Peter and I have...an understanding. Isn't that right, Peter?
Pete: We do? OUCH!!! (He winces.) That's right, Mr. Higgins, we do.
Daisy (linking her arm through Peter's): So you see, I can't possibly marry you, Mr. Higgins. I really am sorry; I just couldn't let things continue as they were, it wouldn't be right.
(Several beats.)
WH (completely deflated): I understand. There's...no need to say any more, Miss Daisy. (Then, with quiet dignity...) I won't trouble you any further. (He picks up his bag and starts walking towards the door.)
Daisy: Mr. Higgins...you needn't leave, you know. I'd like to finish the interview with you; you really are a congenial gentleman, and enjoyable to talk to.
WH (without turning around): No, Miss Daisy. Time for Wally Higgins to put his best foot forward. Your servant, ma'am. (Wally exits the room. Silence.)
Pete: Talk about putting your foot in your mouth! Whatever possessed you, Daisy?! That was cruel!
Daisy (faltering): I'm sorry, Pete, I can't tell you HOW sorry. You know how I am; I'd never hurt anyone in the entire world for anything, HONEST! Especially somebody as nice as Wally Higgins. It's just that....he wouldn't STOP! He didn't take 'no' for an answer; he was relentless!
Pete: Well, I STILL say you could've let him down a little easier; after all, this is the second time it's happened to him!
Daisy (lowering her head, ashamed): I know, believe me, Pete, I know. I didn't want to hurt him, I just wanted him to stop. (Then, with increasing agitation...) I tried to tell him, I tried to push him away, but I'm too puny, and he didn't listen to me!! And now it's too late! I just wish...I only wanted to...I mean, I never... (Suddenly bursting into tears...) OOOOOOH!!! I HATE this stupid holiday!!!
(Daisy tears off her microphone, flings it across the room, and runs out the door.)
Pete: Daisy? Daisy?? Come back! We're still on the air! Oh boy! (Swallowing nervously...) Uh...ladies and gentlemen, I...that is, we...apologize for the...technical difficulties we're experiencing. We'd like to thank you all for joining us in the studio this morning...and uh...that's all, folks.
END OF INTERVIEW
(Approximately one hour later...)
Pete (knocking on Daisy's studio door): Daisy? Are you alright? You've been in there an awfully long time, and you've been saying some pretty strange things.
Daisy (quavering): Go away, Pete, please, just go away and leave me alone. I'm fine.
Pete: No, you're NOT fine. I just wanted to talk to you for a minute.
Daisy: I'm not coming out, so you may as well go away and do something else.
Pete: Nope, I've got nothing better to do. I'll stay right here in front of the door until you come out.
Daisy: You'll have an awfully long wait.
Pete: I don't care; besides, you don't have any chocolate in there. You won't last another five minutes. (He hears a muffled thud.) Did you just throw something at the door?
Daisy: No!....Well, actually...yes.
Pete: Listen, Daisy, nobody blames you for what happened. I'm sure the boss'll understand. Besides, I think you're the best interviewer around; I don't think anybody else would've handled it half as well!
Daisy (sniffling a bit): Really? You really think so?
Pete: Yep, sure do. Come on out, Daisy, it's all over now.
(A pause.)
Daisy: I look terrible.
Pete: No you don't, you look fine.
Daisy (suspiciously): How do you know? You haven't seen me.
Pete: Daisy, nobody else is here; they all left already. You don't have to worry about being seen.
Daisy (reluctantly): Well...alright. But...you have to promise not to laugh.
Pete: I won't, honest! Besides, it's getting late; you'll need to leave soon to go home and celebrate Valentine's Day with the kids.
(Another pause, then...)
Daisy: Alright, I'll come out. (She slowly opens the door and comes out, disheveled and rumpled.) Just...don't tell anyone about...you know, me sulking in the office and...all that stuff I said about running away to join the nunnery.
Pete: Is that what you were going on about in there? Why do you want to go to a nunnery?
Daisy: It worked for Hildegard of Bingen.
Pete: Hildewho of what?
Daisy (sighing): Never mind; I'll explain it all to you later. Happy Valentine's Day, Pete.
Pete: Thanks Daisy, Happy Valentine's Day to you, too...
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