RR (irritably): I would hardly call this a "welcome", Ms. Morris. I am taking time away from an important investigation to make a token appearance on a program dedicated to discussing a character I have not the slightest interest in discussing or wasting a moment's thought upon.
(A pause, then...)
Daisy: Be that as it may, Mr. Rutherford, you DID sign the contract with us, and agreed to its stipulations; hence your presence in the studio with us today.
AS: Oh, don't mind Robert, Ms. Morris; he's in a foul temper this morning because I arrived before he did! (Conspiratorially...) Isn't it absolutely delicious, Ms. Morris! He's still as captivated by my beauty as ever; men simply ARE when they're with me, you know!
Daisy (a bit impatiently): That's because men tend to think with a different part of their anatomy than their brains, Ms. Stone. Now, I'd like to direct the conversation to Gus, if you would, please...
AS (eagerly): Ahh, yes, DEAR Master Pike! My, that boy was smitten with me; remember how he gazed at me like a stricken deer? (Then, leaning forward dramatically...) I rushed into the lighthouse, in the greatest peril! Young Master Pike caught me as I was on the point of swooning! Tenderly he clasped me to his bosom..."
Daisy (interrupting stonily): Which you then proceeded to paw with astounding vigor for one so...terribly overcome with fright and fatigue, Ms. Stone.
AS (rushing on): On the contrary, Ms. Morris, strength and vigor renewed themselves within me at his touch! I knew I could count on him to help me, you see; I deduced as much from my interpretive skills in human behaviour.
RR (crossly): In other words, you saw a callow stripling easily susceptible to your feminine wiles and proceeded to work on him accordingly!
AS (scoffing): Oh, nonsense, Robert! You don't know the first thing about it! Master Pike was simply a kind and generous lad, and he followed the dictates of his heart!
Daisy: Well, as his brain wasn't working very well, I suppose he had to follow something.
AS: My dear, you don't sound terribly...well-disposed towards the poor boy. I trust you aren't one of those inveterate "man-haters", are you?
Daisy (somewhat uncomfortably): Ms. Stone, that has absolutely no bearing on this conversation. I simply cannot bear to see somebody betrayed and deceived as he was; you began taking advantage of him the moment you walked through the door, and it went from bad to worse when you gave him the jewels.
RR (angrily): The most foolish, irresponsible... (He breaks off momentarily.) I could have TOLD you the young fool was completely incapable of handling even the simplest responsibility! How I longed to have him at the receiving end of a good thrashing!
Daisy (trying to stay calm): Speaking of which, Mr. Rutherford, I don't remember the last time I've seen a character "set-upon" as much as Gus was in this particular episode. You hit him with a riding crop; you accosted him in broad daylight and twisted his arm behind his back. He spilled coffee on his brand new shirt; it was his first day at the White Sands! Oh Mr. Rutherford, he was SO excited to be working there! His first real job, he looked so spiffy in his new clothes; all he was trying to do was help a female who was completely unworthy of his attention...
AS (outraged): I BEG your pardon!
Daisy (continuing): ...and you ruined everything for him!
RR (incredulous): I ruined everything for HIM?? That sniveling whining pup nearly ruined everything for ME!!! Hampering my investigation, constantly meddling and interfering with the law at every turn, all because he was too bloody STUPID to know what he was about! Had I to do it all over again, I'd have given him that thrashing alright, and much more besides!
Daisy (dangerously low): It's a good thing, Mr. Rutherford, that you didn't, else you'd have not only him to answer to, but I as well, and every fan of Gus Pike who's enjoyed him so much over the years!
AS (with surprised amusement): Why you funny little thing! I'd forgotten how...protective you ladies are of his...favourite of yours! (She trills with laughter.) My how amusing this all is, and you scarcely out of the school-room yourself! You look like a parochial school-girl in that frock.
Daisy: Perhaps that's because I WAS a parochial school girl, Ms. Stone, although it's much longer ago than you might realize. I consider myself fortunate, Ms. Stone, that the years have been kind to me. (Then, pointedly...) Not...everyone is as fortunate, you know.
AS (tossing her head): Well my dear, if you want to go on playing the "little innocent", I suppose it suits you well enough. Most men, however, know how to appreciate a more...mature woman of the world. Your... Gus certainly did.
Daisy (beginning to lose her patience): He isn't "my Gus", Ms. Stone; I simply find it annoying when females like you give our sex a bad name by flattering and fawning and pawing a hapless male whose brain takes a temporary leave of absence. Do you realize how long you locked lips with him? I've got the breath control of an opera singer, and even I haven't seen that kind of..."sustained legato" very often! And as for his...deshabille in the lighthouse! You could at LEAST have had the decency to turn away and wait for him to get dressed!
AS (pleased with herself): Oh, this is simply, too, TOO precious! The poor little thing is jealous! My dear young lady, I assure you, my tastes in men are assiduously cultivated; I prefer polish, refinement, a dashing, handsome, cultivated man with an air of mystery and intrigue! Oh, no, NO, Ms. Morris! (She laughs that trilling laugh again.) You're most welcome to that pathetically slow and simple lad! I think the two of you suit rather well, in fact! He can carve your name on the tree behind the schoolhouse, and give you an...apple or two! (Then, mockingly emphasizing...) "Stolen fruit" is sweet, you know.
Daisy (striving for nonchalance): I'm sure I don't know what you mean, Ms. Stone. I pride myself on being a loyal, faithful follower of the series, and Gus Pike, that's all. As for the...overly simple and anachronistic references you made regarding..."fruit", and so forth, you're very much mistaken, Ms. Stone, if you think I'd allow such sentimental claptrap! I assure you, I'm not the least bit jealous of anyone, or anything! My interest in the matter is entirely academic and professional... (She falters slightly.) Besides, I...I'm above such things.
AS (archly): Aren't we all?
Daisy (bristling): Now look here, Ms. Stone! I don't particularly care for your insinuations! If you've got something to...
RR (heavily): Are you two women going to peck each other to death, or are we going to get ON with this interview?
Daisy (struggling for control): Of course, Mr. Rutherford, my apologies. (Beat.) Mr. Rutherford, Gus Pike spent the night in jail because of you two; don't you think an apology for his distress was in order?
RR: An apology? For what? For his stupidity? For his culpability in obstructing justice? I begin to wonder, Ms. Morris, if you aren't as much of a simpleton as he!
Daisy (beginning to unravel): I am not so much a simpleton, Mr. Rutherford, as I am singleminded when it comes to pursuing the truth of the matter down to the very bottom line! The two of you should have been cooling your heels there, not Gus! And the fact that you were continually double-crossed and kept guessing by your erstwhile cohort, Ms. Stone, makes me wonder if it isn't YOU, Mr. Rutherford, who is suffering from a lack of wits.
RR (leaping to his feet): Outrageous! I refuse to stay here any longer and be insulted and falsely maligned by this slip of a girl any longer! I could have you sued for slander and libel, Ms. Morris!
Daisy: You seem to forget, Mr. Rutherford, that the matter we're discussing is entirely fictional; you have no recourse to the law, because the law doesn't deal in abstracts and hypothetical situations.
AS: Oh, Robert, be REASONABLE! Give the little girl what she wants, and have done with it!
Daisy (stamping her foot): I AM NOT A LITTLE GIRL! (A pause.) Once again, we appear to have run out of time; it certainly flies swiftly when we're having this much...fun, doesn't it?
AS: But, Ms. Morris, I believe we have a full two minutes of air time left!
RR: Are you DAFT, woman?! For pity's sake, put an end to this farce! I've reached the limit of my endurance!
Daisy: As have I, Mr. Rutherford, as have I. My guests with me today have been Mr. Robert Rutherford...
AS: You're just jealous, Robert, because I've upstaged you once again.
Daisy (pressing on): And Ms. Amanda Stone. I appreciate your time with us this morning...
RR: Don't flatter yourself, Amanda. You always did put on those ridiculous airs.
Daisy: PLEASE! (Then, flustered...) Where was I? Oh, yes....next week we return a bit closer to home, with a guest from the King Family...
AS: I warn you Robert, I'm a force to be reckoned with!
Daisy: Oh, for the love of Mickey! I've had enough! You two can discuss this at your leisure! (She removes her microphone.) I'm leaving. Don't think about taking any souvenirs; the cameras are on. (Daisy leaves.)
AS: Well, I never!
Daisy (from the doorway): Obviously...
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