Daisy: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!
Intruder: My dear lady, please accept my most humble apologies! I was told you were expecting me!
Daisy (struggling to regain her composure): Please, sir, do NOT creep up behind me like that! You scared me witless! Not a difficult thing to do, I'll admit, but still....Sir, please, this is a private room, only staff and authorized personnel are allowed back here. If you wouldn't mind waiting in the guest area until they call you in?
Intruder (removing his hat with a flourish, bowing elegantly): Of COURSE, my dear; your humble servant.
(He places the hat back on his head and exits the room with great gusto.)
Daisy: Peter?! PEEEETER!!!
Peter (hurrying into the room): I'm sorry Daisy! I wanted to warn you before he got here, but I went downstairs to the vending machine to get a soda, and then the machine took my money and didn't give me the soda, so I started banging on it, and then the soda fell out but it was the wrong one, so then I...
Daisy (impatiently): Alright, Pete, al-right! You can tell me all about it later! (She sighs heavily.) I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell at you. I'm just sort of....flustered right now. You know how...unpredictable this man is.
Peter (grinning): I'll say! I saw him talking to the wall a minute ago about some guy named Boris who wasn't good enough.
Daisy: That's.... "Boris Godunov", he was a Russian....no, no! I don't have TIME for this right now! I'm sorry Pete, I'll explain it to you later. I've GOT to go fix my hair; I look like I'm wearing a marmot! (She begins to rush off.)
Peter (calling after her): I don't know what you're worrying about your hair for! The audience never even SEES you, fer-cryin'-out-loud!....I don't know; I just don't know... (He slowly walks away, shaking his head.)
(A few minutes before air time....)
Daisy: What do you MEAN, you can't find him??!! How can you NOT find him??!! He sticks out like a sore thumb in that....that...positively Seussian get-up!! He can't POSSIBLY have wandered too far off! Peter, go back and SCOUR the building from top to bottom! Tell security to send some guys to help you! Search everywhere! Don't forget the bathrooms! Check the ladies' too!
Peter (blushing): Oh, now Daisy! I...I really don't think he'd--
Daisy (firmly): Peter, this is NO time to be bashful!! Come on, man! Be BOLD! Gird up your loincloth and discreetly check the ladies' room; one never knows! We've GOT to find the man before air time, or I'm sunk! Please, Peter, do it, for me?
Peter (resigned): Alright Daisy, for you, I'll do it. Just, please don't ever ask me to go in there again!
Daisy (hugging him): Thanks Pete; you're the best!
(5 seconds to air time; 4, 3, 2, 1...)
Daisy: Good morning, everyone! I'm so glad to back with you in the studio again. We....we have a rather interesting situation this morning, ah, you see, my guest today has apparently...apparently...
Guest: Apparently entered just in the nick of time! (Dramatically...) Professor Alistair Dimple, master of elucidation, elocution, and erudite illumination, at your service!
Daisy: Thank goodness! Ladies and gentlemen, my guest has done the honors himself; Professor Dimple, please, have a seat, won't you?
AD: Thank you, my dear! What an enchanting little studio of the arts you have here!
Daisy (uncertainly): Thank you, Professor Dimple. I'm glad you were able to join us, after all!
AD: Not to worry, my dear, I was merely amusing myself on the way by practicing my latest declamatory offering, which I shall be performing in a week's time in Charlottetown. Allow me to provide you with a brief sample....
Daisy: No, no, PLEASE, Professor Dimple! Forgive me; it sounds fascinating, but you see, this IS a Gus Pike interview, and you are here to discuss your episode in relation to Gus Pike, so, if you would, please, Professor.
AD: Ah yes, Gus! A bright and eager lad, most willing to participate in my experimental teaching methods, and a natural leader in re-enacting our historical exploits!
Daisy: Yes, Professor; could you please tell us a bit more about Gus's leadership qualities? He seemed quite pleased to be singled out as Julius Caesar, and I enjoyed watching him choose his Praetorian Guard...
AD: THE DRUIDS! AH, TO BE BACK IN THE DAYS OF THE DRUIDS! WATCHING THE ROMANS SWEEP ACROSS BRITAIN, TO THE LAST STRONGHOLDS IN WALES! DRUID PRIESTS SHRIEKING CURSES AT THE SKY, WHILST THE ROMANS CUT DOWN THE SACRED OAKS, SLAUGHTERING AND ILLAGING...
Daisy: Professor Dimple! If you don't mind, I'd like to get back to the subject at hand! Now, Gus also participated in the Viking "sack" against Aethelred the Unready. I could tell by watching him during the pitched battle that he has some considerable experience with swordplay; the choreography...
AD: ERIC THE RED!! ERICA THE PROUD AND RUTHLESS VIKING QUEEN!! ORDERING HER WARRIORS TO RAVAGE, LOOT, AND BURN! AHH, THOSE WERE THE GOOD OLD DAYS!!
Daisy: Indeed they were! Now, Professor, back to the classroom! Helen of Troy (Sara Stanley) and a most unwilling prophetess Cassandra precipitated the Trojan onslaught, in which...
AD: HELEN OF TROY! TH'UNPARALLEL'D BEAUTY! OH, THE FACE! THE FACE THAT MEN DIED FOR! THE FACE THAT LAUNCHED A THOUSAND SHIPS!
Daisy: Yes, YES, Professor! (Aside) Oh my, this is going to be harder than I thought! (To Professor Dimple) Now, sir, about your Michelangelo canvas; I thought that Gus was using some fairly fluid brush-strokes, although it was a bit difficult to see exactly WHAT he was painting....
AD: MY DEAR LADY!! HOLD THAT THOUGHT!! YOUR FACE!!
Daisy: My face? What about my face? Granted, it isn't the face that launched a thousand ships; more likely, it's the face that sunk 'em, but...
AD: Did anyone ever tell you that you look remarkably like the Byzantine Empress Theodosia?
Daisy: Er....no, Professor, I can't say that anyone ever has.
AD: Remarkable! Absolutely remarkable! I'm writing my own play about Theodosia! An amazing woman; poisoned her first husband, stabbed her second, boiled the third in oil, pitched the fourth into a well, and outlived the last!
Daisy: Well, Professor, she DOES sound like a most...formidable female, but, getting back to the story, the competition between Avonlea and Markdale! I was SO proud of Gus for answering the very first question correctly! Julius Caesar, who traveled "wid a man painted all blue"! Oh, I loved it! And Gus was so nervous, I just had to...
AD: YOU! YOU SHALL PLAY THEODOSIA! I'VE FOUND HER AT LAST! MY DEAR, YOU SHALL BE A SENSATION! WE'LL TRAVEL THE WORLD! PERFORM BEFORE THE CROWNED HEADS OF EUROPE! WHAT AN ENCHANTING VISION I SEE BEFORE ME! AT LAST! AT LAST, FAME AND FORTUNE SHALL BE MINE!
Daisy: Well now, REALLY, Professor Dimple! My stage experience has been mostly in musical productions, operas and operettas! I'm much more familiar with Gilbert and Sullivan; I think it safe to say that I've spent about half my life, Professor, simpering on stage with a parasol! But, getting back to Gus....
AD: FORGET ABOUT GUS! I SHALL GO HOME AT ONCE TO COMPLETE MY PLAY! AH, MY DEAR! (He breaks off to kiss Daisy's hand.) YOU'VE MADE ME SO VERY HAPPY! (Professor Dimple abandons his chair, leaving the room with a fevered air, singing jauntily to himself on his way out...) I am the very model of a modern Major General, I've information vegetable, animal and mineral...
Daisy: Professor Dimple?
AD (echoing down the hallway): I know the kings of England and I quote the fights historical, from Marathon to Waterloo in order categorical!...
(A pause.)
Daisy (a bit weakly): Well, friends, it appears that our interview this week is done, and on a most peculiar note, at that. My guest WAS Professor Alistair Dimple, and...and....and I'm Theod--I mean, I'm Daisy! Next week, ladies and gentlemen, I'll have another new and exciting guest lined up for you, and I hope you'll all join us in the studio again. 'Til next time!
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